Was I Asked?

So, I had this most amazing realization this weekend.

I am walking down the main drag leading to LAX Airport, on a lunch break from a volunteering gig, and a guy on a bicycle strikes up a conversation and asks me out. He called way too often and way too late in the next two days (considering I told him I was volunteering all weekend, and getting up at 5 am), and I have let him know that, and that’s over.

But here’s the realization, along with the previous posting about trying to get into a program for security guards and even my volunteering:

The entire direction of my life has always been determined by whether or not someone asks me. California EDD asks if I want to be a security guard, I apply. Guy asks me out, I accept, only because he asked me out. I was volunteering because someone had asked me to. I fell into accounting because someone asked would I try it, I went to the college I did because they asked, I got married because he asked, the first guy I dated was because he asked, I am working as a tutor because someone asked, etc., etc., etc.

The important thing to realize regardless of whether I enjoyed the experiences or not, is how passively I have allowed experiences into my life, rather than going and seeking what interested me. This is huge. Incredibly huge. I am not saying I am always passive, just that the majority of the time, the majority of my experiences, have been dictated by the opportunity presenting itself, and not me seeking it. Almost as if I believe, “I don’t think that if I figure out what I want, that I could actually go and get it, so it is far better to just accept what is offered.”

Wow.

This could mean I actually get a career, something I have never actively pursued, in an area I want, and simply because I want it. Same for a relationship. I don’t have to wait to be asked out.

I have no idea where this thinking came from, but apparently it has been around all my life, and now when I see an opportunity present itself because I am asked, I could actually ask myself if that is what I want. And if not, what do I want instead? And make that happen.

I have no idea where to even begin with this amazing revelation, and how to best utilize it. And since the old way of thinking has been around forever, I am sure I will still automatically respond that way before I get some practice at this new way of thinking, and I am okay with that. I know now that that’s been going on, and if there is any unhappiness about my life, that I can actually go and rectify it now. And not wait for it somehow to be rectified because someone else just happens to ask.

4 Responses to “Was I Asked?”

  1. gary Says:

    You want to direct your life, not the other way around, good thinking.
    Speaking of henry Rollins, I gotta tat yesterday and blogged it, ha!

  2. Carol Elaine Says:

    That’s how I’ve led a good portion of my life (waiting to be asked), but there’s a certain power in being the one doing the asking (for a job, a date, anything). Even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, you know that you at least put yourself out there. I’ve never regretted the few times I took the initiative, even if I was rejected in the end. Granted, my rejections have always been by people who were very gentle about it and never made me doubt my own worth, which I think factors into it.

    Yes, you may still fall into old patterns, but the more you give it a try, the better it’ll feel.

    However, I also know that you’re not averse to risk – you have a strong adventurous streak to you. If you ever feel like the old patterns are taking over, remember your adventurous side and tap into that.

  3. redroomsalon Says:

    Yes, there is the intellectual knowing and it is all good to know it, but then there is the knowing of it and actually putting it into practice. I have known all along directing my own life is a good thing, but in looking at my life there is the realization of how little I have actually been directing it, that’s the amazing part. And if I hadn’t mentioned this little revelation, would you have guessed I wasn’t directing it at all? I’ve just been damn lucky in the choices offered to me!

  4. redroomsalon Says:

    “You are the author of this post.” Even wordpress agrees, isn’t that awesome?

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